Disillusionment
A quick update: Sophie Violet Vier was born on March 25th. She weighed 7lbs 14oz and was 21 and a half inches. She is absolutely gorgeous. And to my relief, I love Emily just as much as Sophie. I was a little worried about that. Although I didn't want to admit it, I have had myths running through my head about a blood connection being the reason unprecedented love can exist in a family.. I have now decided that loving your own blood is really just one of the only universal codes embedded in our society. It's not law.
Sadly, Stacie and I are no longer together, but I really can't give an answer as to why. There were things said. Nondescript reasons were given.. and I couldn't see any emotion in her eyes. But enough of that. I can't say more without going into the kind of guesswork that leads my mind where it will do me no good to follow.
I have decided to write tonight because I have felt more grief tonight than I ever care to feel again. Things have happened that have affected me in a very fundamental way. Disillusionment and blunt reality on several fronts, not a typical day and one worth working through via writing.. (all apologies if you're reading this now and have to suffer my stumbling in the dark for reason, which might be very clear to the observer.. and to hell with you too.)
Today began wonderfully. I woke up with two of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen laying in my bed next to me, my daughters. I have had them overnight nearly every weekend since the break-up. I. Love. Everything. Absolutely everything when I'm with them. The future and how incredibly bright and fun it will be with them in it is never far from my mind.
Emily is learning so much and so quickly, it's almost unfair to think other people don't get to experience her in this light. She memorizes books, sings songs, learns new words, knows her abc's, counts well above twenty now too.. not bad for a two year old. The memory of her laugh when I play with her will always put a smile on my face. She is so bright. So pure. Truely one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
Then there is sweet Sophie. My little bug. As old now as emily was when I cam into her life. Sophie has a smile for every face. She is unbelievably cute. And strong! Rolling over for nearly a month now. Holds her head up and will walk across the room with you, with support. Full of promise. She has a super good big sister, a mother that, despite our differences, is the only person on this earth i'd want raising my daughters, and she has the proudest, luckiest daddy in the world.
This is how my day started. Nothing beats it. Around five-thirty I dropped them off to Stacie's mother's house for their dinner and went to my buddy's birthday BBQ. The rest of the day was pretty standard stuff. Old friends and lots of laughter. It was the trip home that seemed to throw everything off track.
I do not kow what made me do it. I drove by Stacie's house on the way home, with it being nearly midnight and all. As I got close I saw that her new boyfriend's car was parked in the driveway.. clearly not being reasonable I called her and asked to see sophie for a minute, seeing as her house is on my way home. I even faked my noticing that he was there while on the phone with her. I suppose a part of me was hoping to interupt something. I still have a lingering bitterness in my mouth. I then apologized for just stoping by that late without prior notice, mumbled something about not realizing that she had company and quickly got off of the phone. Driving away I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I felt a burning in my chest that wouldn't subdue. I hated her then, but it wasn't until hours later that I was able to place my anger.
It has barely been two months, fucking sixety days, and she is already bringing this prick around my girls. He's a young punk. Doesn't she realise how this could go wrong? What this is doing to me? What kind of confusion this could be putting emily through? I don't understand her. And the real anger, the fire that urged me to lash out at this guy cam from the thought of him trying to play daddy to my girls. No matter his intentions, he would have to almost out of necessity for any kind of a relationship to develop with a single mother. I think of him holding emily or sophie and I want to mutilate. . It's too soon, and I suppose after I can manage to pull myself together I need to have a painfully adult conversation with her.
Because of this, I cried on the way home. Sobbed like a little bitch. . And when I got here, my night got worse.
My mother called me three times before I answered the phone. She had obviously been crying and asked me if my brother and his wife were at home. I had a feeling that I knew why she would be trying to get a hold of them this late but it was much worse. My step-father has, in the past couple of weeks, gotten some pain pills from Kandice. This I knew, just like I knew that my mother would not be okay with it.. if it were to become a problem. It's deep rooted and he's killing himself, as it turns out. My mother called me ten minutes later and asked me to come talk to her. She told me exactly how things have been decaying over the past four years. As of right now he is getting over two hundred pain pills a month from two doctors, gets morphine from his son, convinces people in his ward (of which he is first counselor) to "help" out with his pain. . And aside from the tremendous cost of this addiction, his body is beginning to shut down. He recently had a fevor of 106, a direct result. He has a hard time urinating. He's shaky. He's throwing up regularly.. and he can't go a single day without stressing about how he is going to get his next fix.
My mother broke down in my arms and aside from listening or a couple feeble attempts at giving sound advise.. I couldn't help her. She loves him and is chosing to stick to her vows. If she can get through to him, make him realize that he's destroying their lives, then.. well.. I'm worried about her. I want to believe this will have a happy ending but I'm not an optimist.
All together a shitty day. I realized how much I love my mother. She is in my heart. I unearthed some very real fears about my daughters' future as well. I have a lot of feelings and issues to work on and I need to give my mother any kind of help she needs. I'm worn thin. . I'll really have to dig deep for the strength I need to push through. I'm just so fucking tired of the struggle.
Sadly, Stacie and I are no longer together, but I really can't give an answer as to why. There were things said. Nondescript reasons were given.. and I couldn't see any emotion in her eyes. But enough of that. I can't say more without going into the kind of guesswork that leads my mind where it will do me no good to follow.
I have decided to write tonight because I have felt more grief tonight than I ever care to feel again. Things have happened that have affected me in a very fundamental way. Disillusionment and blunt reality on several fronts, not a typical day and one worth working through via writing.. (all apologies if you're reading this now and have to suffer my stumbling in the dark for reason, which might be very clear to the observer.. and to hell with you too.)
Today began wonderfully. I woke up with two of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen laying in my bed next to me, my daughters. I have had them overnight nearly every weekend since the break-up. I. Love. Everything. Absolutely everything when I'm with them. The future and how incredibly bright and fun it will be with them in it is never far from my mind.
Emily is learning so much and so quickly, it's almost unfair to think other people don't get to experience her in this light. She memorizes books, sings songs, learns new words, knows her abc's, counts well above twenty now too.. not bad for a two year old. The memory of her laugh when I play with her will always put a smile on my face. She is so bright. So pure. Truely one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
Then there is sweet Sophie. My little bug. As old now as emily was when I cam into her life. Sophie has a smile for every face. She is unbelievably cute. And strong! Rolling over for nearly a month now. Holds her head up and will walk across the room with you, with support. Full of promise. She has a super good big sister, a mother that, despite our differences, is the only person on this earth i'd want raising my daughters, and she has the proudest, luckiest daddy in the world.
This is how my day started. Nothing beats it. Around five-thirty I dropped them off to Stacie's mother's house for their dinner and went to my buddy's birthday BBQ. The rest of the day was pretty standard stuff. Old friends and lots of laughter. It was the trip home that seemed to throw everything off track.
I do not kow what made me do it. I drove by Stacie's house on the way home, with it being nearly midnight and all. As I got close I saw that her new boyfriend's car was parked in the driveway.. clearly not being reasonable I called her and asked to see sophie for a minute, seeing as her house is on my way home. I even faked my noticing that he was there while on the phone with her. I suppose a part of me was hoping to interupt something. I still have a lingering bitterness in my mouth. I then apologized for just stoping by that late without prior notice, mumbled something about not realizing that she had company and quickly got off of the phone. Driving away I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I felt a burning in my chest that wouldn't subdue. I hated her then, but it wasn't until hours later that I was able to place my anger.
It has barely been two months, fucking sixety days, and she is already bringing this prick around my girls. He's a young punk. Doesn't she realise how this could go wrong? What this is doing to me? What kind of confusion this could be putting emily through? I don't understand her. And the real anger, the fire that urged me to lash out at this guy cam from the thought of him trying to play daddy to my girls. No matter his intentions, he would have to almost out of necessity for any kind of a relationship to develop with a single mother. I think of him holding emily or sophie and I want to mutilate. . It's too soon, and I suppose after I can manage to pull myself together I need to have a painfully adult conversation with her.
Because of this, I cried on the way home. Sobbed like a little bitch. . And when I got here, my night got worse.
My mother called me three times before I answered the phone. She had obviously been crying and asked me if my brother and his wife were at home. I had a feeling that I knew why she would be trying to get a hold of them this late but it was much worse. My step-father has, in the past couple of weeks, gotten some pain pills from Kandice. This I knew, just like I knew that my mother would not be okay with it.. if it were to become a problem. It's deep rooted and he's killing himself, as it turns out. My mother called me ten minutes later and asked me to come talk to her. She told me exactly how things have been decaying over the past four years. As of right now he is getting over two hundred pain pills a month from two doctors, gets morphine from his son, convinces people in his ward (of which he is first counselor) to "help" out with his pain. . And aside from the tremendous cost of this addiction, his body is beginning to shut down. He recently had a fevor of 106, a direct result. He has a hard time urinating. He's shaky. He's throwing up regularly.. and he can't go a single day without stressing about how he is going to get his next fix.
My mother broke down in my arms and aside from listening or a couple feeble attempts at giving sound advise.. I couldn't help her. She loves him and is chosing to stick to her vows. If she can get through to him, make him realize that he's destroying their lives, then.. well.. I'm worried about her. I want to believe this will have a happy ending but I'm not an optimist.
All together a shitty day. I realized how much I love my mother. She is in my heart. I unearthed some very real fears about my daughters' future as well. I have a lot of feelings and issues to work on and I need to give my mother any kind of help she needs. I'm worn thin. . I'll really have to dig deep for the strength I need to push through. I'm just so fucking tired of the struggle.
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